12 Yrs♥$✓#
The town crier assembles all the townsfolk in the village square.
"What are we here for?" asks the general store owner.
The town crier holds up a hand to calm the rowdy crowd. "Now, now, folks, we all know it's been a tough few weeks. It's been near a month since Sheriff Merf cleared a bounty, and all these unbeaten games have been an unsightly blight in our fair hamlet. But I have here a message from that son of a gun that might shed some light on the situation. Ahem..."
Merry Christmas, those of you HLTBites who celebrate it, and Happy Holidays to anyone who does not! You all are probably wondering, "What the heck happened to our sheriff? Why has he forsaken us at a time when we are so vulnerable? When the heck is he going to beat one of these games and put our tax dollars to good use?" I'm sure you all want to know the answer to these questions, but what about more thoughtful questions like, "What's up, Kerf Merf? How have you been?" I'm so glad you asked.
As I continued to stalk Paper Mario, my journey took me to the far-flung reaches of Twilight Town (not to be confused with the town of the same name in Kingdom Hearts). There, I had to stop a prankster who was turning the citizens into pigs with a magic bell. I managed to best the prankster in battle, and I thought that was it--I worried that was the end of a short, disappointing chapter--but after the standard Chapter End sequence played, I returned right where I left off, taking control of a shadow Mario. Essentially, the prankster had taken over my body and cast me into the shadows. I thought that subversion was really clever, and I also liked recruiting Vivian the Siren Sister since she is an absolute sweetheart who deserves way better than the abuse she got working with the villains.
The downside of the chapter is how much backtracking it requires. You go halfway into the forest to get a key then go back to the town, then back out to the forest to fight the boss, then back to town, then you go back into the forest to uncover the boss's weakness, then you go back to town to reclaim your body, and then once again back into the forest to fight the boss for real. Each time you go back and forth, you face the same encounters, and after a while you don't even get much of an experience reward from fighting.
Since I was getting a little burned out from the repetitive fights, I decided to take a break from bounties... so I went to Japan!
The crowd explodes into an uproar.
"Simmer down," the town crier says. "There's more."
"More?" the town widow asks. "We're here trying to make heads and tails of all these unbeaten games and our only bounty hunter thinks we're interested in hearing about his holiday travel diary?"
The town crier shrugs. "Don't shoot the messenger."
With a groan, the retired general says, "Let's hear out the prancing pogue, eh?"
Anybody who's anybody has to check out the great city of Tokyo, so that was where I made my first stop. It was there that I got myself mixed up with misadventures in a cognitive world, known as Persona 5 Strikers. In case you don't know about this game, it's a direct sequel to the vanilla ending of Persona 5 with gameplay mechanics more similar to the Warriors series of games. That said, you can't just button-mash your way through it like other Warriors games, even on the standard difficulty. I hesitate to say you need strategy, because combat is basically just a matter of exploiting Pokemon-style weaknesses, but you do need to consider your team makeup and SP reserves before you take on any tough fights. You do also have to learn every character's combos pretty well, since everyone has an elemental attack in their combo chain that they can use for free.
Compared to Persona 5, the pacing is WAY faster. Every dungeon takes only a couple in-game days as opposed to weeks, and the villains are introduced super quickly. Granted, they've also done away with a lot of the side activities, minigames, and social links, which cut back on the gameplay time. For context, it took me nearly 200 hours to complete a first playthrough of Persona 5 Royal, but at 25 hours I'm already more than halfway through Strikers (including side requests). Not complaining--perhaps a little bit of depth and world-building are lost, but the character writing is still excellent. Thus far, I've simped for a fashion idol, fangirled over a hack writer, pledged to vote for an abusive politician, and more. Some of the early dungeon arcs have formulaic plots and level design, but around the time I reached Okinawa (dungeon 4) the story became more focused and engaging. If you really twisted my arm, I'd say it's not nearly as good as Persona 5, but it is a worthy continuation.
Will write more when there's more worth writing.
Kisses,
Kerf Merf
The blacksmith slams his hammer against a hitching post. "That's it? Nothing about coming back and finishing our bounties?"
An artful dodger rubs his nose and says, "Persona 5 Strikers weren't even on the bounty board!"
"I say we string him up by his earlobes and make 'im eat cowpie smoothies for a month," shouts the tailor's apprentice.
"Here, here!"
The citizens gather up torches and pitchforks, but at the city limits, Little Orphan Dorcas meets them, leaning on a cane. "Where do you all think you're going?"
Butcher Bronson stomps to the front of the pack. "We're gonna gut that guttersnipe Kerf Merf like the lowdown, yellow-bellied dogsbody he is!"
"Is that really how you want to spend your Christmas? Wouldn't you rather be around your loved ones, making merry?"
"The boy's right," says the carpenter. "At the end of the day, we still have each other. And all these games piling up--we can play them together."
"Gawr blezz uz," blubbers the town drunk, stumbling through the crowd. "Gawr blezz uz, evvy one!"
All together, the crowd shouts, "Hooray!" Then they return to their abodes to burn yule logs and drink eggnog while singing carols.
Meanwhile, Kerf Merf steps out of the shadows near the edge of town and hands Little Orphan Dorcas a fifty. "Thanks for covering my bum, kid," he says.
"Pleasure doing business with you," the orphan answers.
"Say," Kerf Merf adds before the kid can hobble back to the orphanage. "I'm in a giving mood. How'd you like to be Deputy Dorcas?"
The orphan brightens, smiling ear to ear. "Boy would I! Hooray for Christmas! Huzzah, hooplah!"
And thus the moon rises on a weirdly warm December night, the air a-jingling with tinkly bells and choral choirs.
"What are we here for?" asks the general store owner.
The town crier holds up a hand to calm the rowdy crowd. "Now, now, folks, we all know it's been a tough few weeks. It's been near a month since Sheriff Merf cleared a bounty, and all these unbeaten games have been an unsightly blight in our fair hamlet. But I have here a message from that son of a gun that might shed some light on the situation. Ahem..."
Merry Christmas, those of you HLTBites who celebrate it, and Happy Holidays to anyone who does not! You all are probably wondering, "What the heck happened to our sheriff? Why has he forsaken us at a time when we are so vulnerable? When the heck is he going to beat one of these games and put our tax dollars to good use?" I'm sure you all want to know the answer to these questions, but what about more thoughtful questions like, "What's up, Kerf Merf? How have you been?" I'm so glad you asked.
As I continued to stalk Paper Mario, my journey took me to the far-flung reaches of Twilight Town (not to be confused with the town of the same name in Kingdom Hearts). There, I had to stop a prankster who was turning the citizens into pigs with a magic bell. I managed to best the prankster in battle, and I thought that was it--I worried that was the end of a short, disappointing chapter--but after the standard Chapter End sequence played, I returned right where I left off, taking control of a shadow Mario. Essentially, the prankster had taken over my body and cast me into the shadows. I thought that subversion was really clever, and I also liked recruiting Vivian the Siren Sister since she is an absolute sweetheart who deserves way better than the abuse she got working with the villains.
The downside of the chapter is how much backtracking it requires. You go halfway into the forest to get a key then go back to the town, then back out to the forest to fight the boss, then back to town, then you go back into the forest to uncover the boss's weakness, then you go back to town to reclaim your body, and then once again back into the forest to fight the boss for real. Each time you go back and forth, you face the same encounters, and after a while you don't even get much of an experience reward from fighting.
Since I was getting a little burned out from the repetitive fights, I decided to take a break from bounties... so I went to Japan!
The crowd explodes into an uproar.
"Simmer down," the town crier says. "There's more."
"More?" the town widow asks. "We're here trying to make heads and tails of all these unbeaten games and our only bounty hunter thinks we're interested in hearing about his holiday travel diary?"
The town crier shrugs. "Don't shoot the messenger."
With a groan, the retired general says, "Let's hear out the prancing pogue, eh?"
Anybody who's anybody has to check out the great city of Tokyo, so that was where I made my first stop. It was there that I got myself mixed up with misadventures in a cognitive world, known as Persona 5 Strikers. In case you don't know about this game, it's a direct sequel to the vanilla ending of Persona 5 with gameplay mechanics more similar to the Warriors series of games. That said, you can't just button-mash your way through it like other Warriors games, even on the standard difficulty. I hesitate to say you need strategy, because combat is basically just a matter of exploiting Pokemon-style weaknesses, but you do need to consider your team makeup and SP reserves before you take on any tough fights. You do also have to learn every character's combos pretty well, since everyone has an elemental attack in their combo chain that they can use for free.
Compared to Persona 5, the pacing is WAY faster. Every dungeon takes only a couple in-game days as opposed to weeks, and the villains are introduced super quickly. Granted, they've also done away with a lot of the side activities, minigames, and social links, which cut back on the gameplay time. For context, it took me nearly 200 hours to complete a first playthrough of Persona 5 Royal, but at 25 hours I'm already more than halfway through Strikers (including side requests). Not complaining--perhaps a little bit of depth and world-building are lost, but the character writing is still excellent. Thus far, I've simped for a fashion idol, fangirled over a hack writer, pledged to vote for an abusive politician, and more. Some of the early dungeon arcs have formulaic plots and level design, but around the time I reached Okinawa (dungeon 4) the story became more focused and engaging. If you really twisted my arm, I'd say it's not nearly as good as Persona 5, but it is a worthy continuation.
Will write more when there's more worth writing.
Kisses,
Kerf Merf
The blacksmith slams his hammer against a hitching post. "That's it? Nothing about coming back and finishing our bounties?"
An artful dodger rubs his nose and says, "Persona 5 Strikers weren't even on the bounty board!"
"I say we string him up by his earlobes and make 'im eat cowpie smoothies for a month," shouts the tailor's apprentice.
"Here, here!"
The citizens gather up torches and pitchforks, but at the city limits, Little Orphan Dorcas meets them, leaning on a cane. "Where do you all think you're going?"
Butcher Bronson stomps to the front of the pack. "We're gonna gut that guttersnipe Kerf Merf like the lowdown, yellow-bellied dogsbody he is!"
"Is that really how you want to spend your Christmas? Wouldn't you rather be around your loved ones, making merry?"
"The boy's right," says the carpenter. "At the end of the day, we still have each other. And all these games piling up--we can play them together."
"Gawr blezz uz," blubbers the town drunk, stumbling through the crowd. "Gawr blezz uz, evvy one!"
All together, the crowd shouts, "Hooray!" Then they return to their abodes to burn yule logs and drink eggnog while singing carols.
Meanwhile, Kerf Merf steps out of the shadows near the edge of town and hands Little Orphan Dorcas a fifty. "Thanks for covering my bum, kid," he says.
"Pleasure doing business with you," the orphan answers.
"Say," Kerf Merf adds before the kid can hobble back to the orphanage. "I'm in a giving mood. How'd you like to be Deputy Dorcas?"
The orphan brightens, smiling ear to ear. "Boy would I! Hooray for Christmas! Huzzah, hooplah!"
And thus the moon rises on a weirdly warm December night, the air a-jingling with tinkly bells and choral choirs.
12 Yrs♥$✓#
I have completed Chapter 5 of The Thousand Year Door and I have nothing to say except this:
Flavio.
Flavio.
12 Yrs♥$✓#
ANNOUNCING NEW SINNOH ANNEXATION INITIATIVE
Bounty hunter Kerfus Merfimus has begun a long train ride to the genteel suburb of Poshley Heights in his pursuit of Paper Mario. The locomotive will detour through the Sinnoh region of the Pokemon nation. Mr. Merf will take the opportunity to claim the Champion title from the region's Elite Four in the name of his friends back in HLTBurg.
How can you help? It's easy! Through the new Sponsor-A-Route Program!
As Kerf Merf travels the many roads of Sinnoh, you (yes, you) can determine what Pokemon he will catch on his long journey. All you have to do is reply to this post declaring which Route you would like to sponsor: when you select a Route, you may choose ONE Pokemon for Kerf Merf to catch there and the nickname for that Pokemon.
Sponsor your very own Route today to contribute to unrestrained colonialism!
OoC Explanation: I'm about to start a challenge run of Pokemon Brilliant Diamond since I got it for Christmas. To spice things up a bit, I thought it might be fun to tie it into my blog and give a chance for my readers to influence the outcome. So here are my rules: 1) HLTB users will determine which Pokemon I can use in my run by "sponsoring" a location and selecting one of the Pokemon available in that area. 2) My starter will be selected through a Straw Poll. 3) I can evolve any Pokemon into an advanced form unless the sponsor specifies that I cannot evolve it. 4) Duplicates are fair game. If you wanna screw me over and make me catch a dozen Magikarps or Bidoofs, that's your prerogative. 5) Fainted Pokemon are not considered dead, but comatose. They must be boxed and are only "revived" once I obtain the next gym badge or if all my available Pokemon are wiped out. 6) I can catch any Shinies I may encounter. 7) Because the Grand Underground has too many options, I'm going to count the Fossil as my catch for that location.
To participate, just reply with what location(s) you want to sponsor, what Pokemon you want me to catch there, and what I should nickname it. Since I can catch about 60 Pokemon total (and I doubt I'll get 60 responders), for now I'll say that everybody can sponsor 3 locations max.
This spreadsheet shows all the locations and obtainable Pokemon
Poll for Starter Pokemon
Locations and Sponsors
Will be updated as sponsors sign up
Twinleaf Town:
Route 201: Bidoof (Cannot evolve) | Racoon man [M] or Racoon woman [F] (Sponsor: ggs27)
Lake Verity:
Route 202: Shinx | Kerf (Sponsor: Shanecus)
Route 203:
Oreburgh Gate:
Oreburgh City:
Oreburgh Mine:
Route 204:
Ravaged Path: Geodude | Ol' Sprig (Sponsor: mango_durango)
Floaroma Meadow:
Valley Windworks: Pachirisu | Ries or Rhys (Sponsor: Siver)
Route 205: Shellos | Cynthwave (Sponsor: FrozenRoy)
Eterna Forest: Murkrow | Sable (Sponsor: Siver)
Eterna City:
Old Chateau:
Route 206: Ponyta | Stella [F] or Nova [M] (Sponsor: Siver)
Wayward Cave: Bronzor | metalboi (Sponsor: Calbon)
Route 207:
Mt. Coronet:
Route 208:
Hearthome City:
Route 209: Gastly | Whiskers (Sponsor: mango_durango)
Solaceon Ruins:
Lost Tower:
Route 215:
Route 214:
Maniac Tunnel: Hippopotas | Big Douglas (Sponsor: Holmesymcgee)
Valor Lakefront:
Route 213:
Pastoria City: Tentacool | Drunky (Sponsor: mango_durango)
The Great Marsh:
Route 212: Goldeen | Horny (Sponsor: Cock)
Trophy Garden: Kricketune | Rodney [M] or Rochelle [F] (Sponsor: Cock)
Route 210: Hoothoot | Linae (Sponsor: FrozenRoy)
Celestic Town:
Fuego Ironworks:
Route 219:
Route 220:
Route 221:
Route 218:
Canalave City:
Iron Island:
Lake Valor:
Route 211: Meditite | Yoga (Sponsor: Calbon)
Route 216: Snover | Picante (Sponsor: Holmesymcgee)
Route 217: Sneasel | Silver (Sponsor: FrozenRoy)
Acuity Lakefront:
Lake Acuity:
Snowpoint City:
Sendoff Spring:
Route 222: Chatot | Sylvia [F] or Sylvio [M] (Sponsor: Cock)
Sunyshore City:
Route 223:
Pokemon League:
Victory Road: Steelix | HickoryHam (Sponsor: Holmesymcgee)
tl;dr: Doing a Pokemon challenge where you guys pick the Pokemon I use. Use the link above to vote for my starter and reply to choose the Pokemon I can catch.
Bounty hunter Kerfus Merfimus has begun a long train ride to the genteel suburb of Poshley Heights in his pursuit of Paper Mario. The locomotive will detour through the Sinnoh region of the Pokemon nation. Mr. Merf will take the opportunity to claim the Champion title from the region's Elite Four in the name of his friends back in HLTBurg.
How can you help? It's easy! Through the new Sponsor-A-Route Program!
As Kerf Merf travels the many roads of Sinnoh, you (yes, you) can determine what Pokemon he will catch on his long journey. All you have to do is reply to this post declaring which Route you would like to sponsor: when you select a Route, you may choose ONE Pokemon for Kerf Merf to catch there and the nickname for that Pokemon.
Sponsor your very own Route today to contribute to unrestrained colonialism!
OoC Explanation: I'm about to start a challenge run of Pokemon Brilliant Diamond since I got it for Christmas. To spice things up a bit, I thought it might be fun to tie it into my blog and give a chance for my readers to influence the outcome. So here are my rules: 1) HLTB users will determine which Pokemon I can use in my run by "sponsoring" a location and selecting one of the Pokemon available in that area. 2) My starter will be selected through a Straw Poll. 3) I can evolve any Pokemon into an advanced form unless the sponsor specifies that I cannot evolve it. 4) Duplicates are fair game. If you wanna screw me over and make me catch a dozen Magikarps or Bidoofs, that's your prerogative. 5) Fainted Pokemon are not considered dead, but comatose. They must be boxed and are only "revived" once I obtain the next gym badge or if all my available Pokemon are wiped out. 6) I can catch any Shinies I may encounter. 7) Because the Grand Underground has too many options, I'm going to count the Fossil as my catch for that location.
To participate, just reply with what location(s) you want to sponsor, what Pokemon you want me to catch there, and what I should nickname it. Since I can catch about 60 Pokemon total (and I doubt I'll get 60 responders), for now I'll say that everybody can sponsor 3 locations max.
This spreadsheet shows all the locations and obtainable Pokemon
Poll for Starter Pokemon
Locations and Sponsors
Will be updated as sponsors sign up
Twinleaf Town:
Route 201: Bidoof (Cannot evolve) | Racoon man [M] or Racoon woman [F] (Sponsor: ggs27)
Lake Verity:
Route 202: Shinx | Kerf (Sponsor: Shanecus)
Route 203:
Oreburgh Gate:
Oreburgh City:
Oreburgh Mine:
Route 204:
Ravaged Path: Geodude | Ol' Sprig (Sponsor: mango_durango)
Floaroma Meadow:
Valley Windworks: Pachirisu | Ries or Rhys (Sponsor: Siver)
Route 205: Shellos | Cynthwave (Sponsor: FrozenRoy)
Eterna Forest: Murkrow | Sable (Sponsor: Siver)
Eterna City:
Old Chateau:
Route 206: Ponyta | Stella [F] or Nova [M] (Sponsor: Siver)
Wayward Cave: Bronzor | metalboi (Sponsor: Calbon)
Route 207:
Mt. Coronet:
Route 208:
Hearthome City:
Route 209: Gastly | Whiskers (Sponsor: mango_durango)
Solaceon Ruins:
Lost Tower:
Route 215:
Route 214:
Maniac Tunnel: Hippopotas | Big Douglas (Sponsor: Holmesymcgee)
Valor Lakefront:
Route 213:
Pastoria City: Tentacool | Drunky (Sponsor: mango_durango)
The Great Marsh:
Route 212: Goldeen | Horny (Sponsor: Cock)
Trophy Garden: Kricketune | Rodney [M] or Rochelle [F] (Sponsor: Cock)
Route 210: Hoothoot | Linae (Sponsor: FrozenRoy)
Celestic Town:
Fuego Ironworks:
Route 219:
Route 220:
Route 221:
Route 218:
Canalave City:
Iron Island:
Lake Valor:
Route 211: Meditite | Yoga (Sponsor: Calbon)
Route 216: Snover | Picante (Sponsor: Holmesymcgee)
Route 217: Sneasel | Silver (Sponsor: FrozenRoy)
Acuity Lakefront:
Lake Acuity:
Snowpoint City:
Sendoff Spring:
Route 222: Chatot | Sylvia [F] or Sylvio [M] (Sponsor: Cock)
Sunyshore City:
Route 223:
Pokemon League:
Victory Road: Steelix | HickoryHam (Sponsor: Holmesymcgee)
tl;dr: Doing a Pokemon challenge where you guys pick the Pokemon I use. Use the link above to vote for my starter and reply to choose the Pokemon I can catch.
4 Yrs♥$✓#
Siver
4 Yrs♥$✓#
Ohh fun! I've never played any version of the gen 4 games but after going through some of the links here we go.
My sponsorships:
Eterna Forest: Murkrow | Nickname: Sable
Route 206: Ponyta | Nickname: If female: Stella, if male: Nova
Valley Windworks: Pachirisu | Nicknam: Ries or Rhys
My sponsorships:
Eterna Forest: Murkrow | Nickname: Sable
Route 206: Ponyta | Nickname: If female: Stella, if male: Nova
Valley Windworks: Pachirisu | Nicknam: Ries or Rhys
3 Yrs♥✓#
Calbon
3 Yrs♥✓#
Sounds like fun, here is my sponsorship
Route 206, Bronzor, Nickname: metalboi
Route 211, Meditite, Nickname: Yoga
Feel free to evolve both of them
Route 206, Bronzor, Nickname: metalboi
Route 211, Meditite, Nickname: Yoga
Feel free to evolve both of them
12 Yrs♥$✓#
Looks like Siver got to Route 206 before you, but Bronzor also seems to be available in Wayward Cave, Turnback Cave, and Mount Coronet--do you want to claim one of those instead?
(Also, thanks for participating!)
3 Yrs✓#
ggs27
3 Yrs✓#
Here is my sponsorship:
If I got it right,
Route 201: Bidoof
Nickname:
If male: Racoon man
If female: Racoon woman
Don't let that Bidoof evolve. I hope I got it right, I don't know much about Pokemon and maybe I got it wrong and there aren't any Bidoofs on Route 201, but I think there should be some thete
If I got it right,
Route 201: Bidoof
Nickname:
If male: Racoon man
If female: Racoon woman
Don't let that Bidoof evolve. I hope I got it right, I don't know much about Pokemon and maybe I got it wrong and there aren't any Bidoofs on Route 201, but I think there should be some thete
12 Yrs♥$✓#
Bidoofs are readily available on Route 201. And now one lucky soul among them will accompany me unevolved from the beginning of the game to the bitter end. Thanks for participating!
4 Yrs♥$✓#
Cock
4 Yrs♥$✓#
Hah, I like this a lot.
Here are my 3 sponsors.
> Route 222: Chatot (Nickname: Sylvia or Sylvio)
> Trophy Garden: Kricketune (Nickname: Rodney or Rochelle)
> Route 212: Goldeen (Nickname: Horny)
Have fun!
- Matt
12 Yrs♥$✓#
To make things easier on everyone, I created a spreadsheet that shows all the Pokemon a player can obtain prior to beating the game (without the Grand Underground, at least). You should be able to easily pick something at a glance now, or if there's a specific 'mon you want me to catch, you can Ctrl+F for it.
Handy-dandy spreadsheet
And, just to keep it visible, the link to the starter poll
Keep the sponsorships coming! Even if you just want to pick something at random, I'd love to get the community involved!
Handy-dandy spreadsheet
And, just to keep it visible, the link to the starter poll
Keep the sponsorships coming! Even if you just want to pick something at random, I'd love to get the community involved!
3 Yrs♥✓#
Calbon3 Yrs♥✓#
Yeah, I would like to claim Wayward Cave. I'm not super well versed on Pokemon Diamond and Pearl so most of this is new to me.
12 Yrs♥$✓#
No worries, I’m pretty new to Gen IV myself, and I’m still trying to iron out all the logistics of the challenge. I appreciate you participating!
12 Yrs♥$✓#
Lil' Jimkins wakes up from the sun shining in through his window. He glances out into the crisp dawn of HLTBurg but notices something unusual--snow! "It never snows in HLTBurg," he mutters to himself, then he runs to shake his parents awake. "It's snowing," he says with a squeaky laugh. "It's really snowing!"
Big Jimkins swats the lad away. "Boy, you know it never snows in HLTBurg. Go back to bed."
Missus Jimkins rubs her eyes and looks out the window. "No, Big, it really is snowing out there," she says.
Hearing that, Big Jimkins hops to his feet and sprints straight out the front door, still in his long-johns. All his neighbors are in a similar state of befuddlement and disrobement. What's weird is, it's not even that cold out. In the center of the town square, Kerf Merf is making snow angels. "Merf!" Big Jimkins shouts. "What's the meaning of this?"
Kerf Merf somersaults to his feet and gestures at the wintry scene. "Happy New Year to all, and to all a... new... year."
"New Year's Day was two days ago, ya doofus," groans the cobbler's wife.
"Yes," Merf admits, "but I mean in a relative sense it's still a new year, right?"
The farm supplier chucks a mound of manure at the sheriff. "Aw, can it. You wanna tell us what's going on here? Are you responsible for the snow?"
"Oh that's not snow," Kerf Merf says. "It's paper."
Big Jimkins cries out, "Paper?!" Sure enough, when he sticks out his tongue, his mouth fills with dry, flavorless flakes.
The sheriff waves his hands at Big Jimkins. "I wouldn't do that if I were you!"
"Why not?"
"You wouldn't want fellers to call you a cannibal, right?"
"Cannibal? What in tarnation are you getting at, you dunderhead?"
"Right, so," Kerf Merf says, trying to hold back a grin, "I finally beat Paper Mario." Everyone present mumbles a quiet congratulations. The sheriff frowns. "I, uh, expected a bigger reaction than that." Everyone mumbles their congratulations a bit louder, which seems to pacify the bounty hunter.
Big Jimkins clears his throat. "So, what, this is confetti? You're celebrating?"
"Not exactly. Those are actually Paper Mario's remains. Dorcas is running him through the shredder." Kerf waves at the rooftop of the bank, where Deputy Dorcas is pressing the one and only Paper Mario through a wood chipper that spews his morsels all over the town.
"Aw, what the deuce?!" Big Jimkins screams. He rushes to the alley and spits out the flecks still in his mouth and scrapes his tongue with his nails.
The mayor steps forward. "You're a madman, Merf! We didn't want you to kill Paper Mario, we just wanted you to play the game! You know, for fun and stuff!"
"Oh," Merf says. He makes a cutting motion across his throat in Dorcas's direction, and the orphan turns off the shredder. "Well," he continues, chewing on a thumbnail, "that's kinda awkward."
"That's the understatement of the year," says the mayor.
Kerf Merf wags a finger in front of his face. "I think it's a bit early to say that--like I said earlier, it's still a new year and all so there could still be a lot more understated understatements to be stated between now and December 31st, 2022..."
"CLEAN ALL THIS UP RIGHT NOW!" the mayor hollers.
"Yes sir," the sheriff says, running off to the tavern to get a broom and dustpan. But at the last moment before everyone returns to their homes, he pokes his head back out into the square and says, "Would now be a bad time to say, 'RIP Paper Mario'? Get it? RIP?" A bevy of empty bottles, tomatoes, and manure lumps barrage him.
I'm having too much fun with these skits... they're getting a bit out of hand... But anyway, yes, I did finally beat Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. Here's the review I wrote with my completion submission, which I'll elaborate on in a moment:
This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's been following my updates with the game--I really liked the game (and even loved certain parts of it) but the game does have a bad habit of wasting your time. To be fair, sometimes it's for comedic effect, but the joke is often at your expense as a player, so I wasn't always a fan. In Chapter 6 you spend most of your time running back and forth along a train. In Chapter 7 you have to run all over the world map to find an NPC, go back and forth through a snowy wasteland multiple times (since there's no direct shortcut), and when you get to the Moon, your movement speed is drastically reduced. Chapter 8 moved a lot more quickly, thankfully, but it was basically just one big dungeon anyway.
I really liked the ending, too. Mostly because of the atmosphere--everything starts to feel darker and more sinister, but the tonal shift doesn't feel completely out of place. The game prepares you for it by peppering little bits of lore and intrigue here and there that lead you to understand that something just ain't right behind the Thousand Year Door. Dread and despair build through the uncanny corridors until you finally reach the endgame boss rush, and (notwithstanding the shoehorned, out-of-place Bowser battle) it's a morbid, challenging gauntlet.
Anyway, it's been a long but rewarding journey. And though I enjoyed the game, I'm ready to move on. I've got my Pokemon playthrough coming up, and I'll probably pick another bounty to play alongside it. I missed Disco Elysium while it was still Game of the Month, but I might still dive into it (or clear something a bit shorter as a palate cleanser).
BOUNTY COMPLETE
Game: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door
Completion time: 41h 38m
Platform: Gamecube
Rating: 7/10
Bounty Points earned: 2
Big Jimkins swats the lad away. "Boy, you know it never snows in HLTBurg. Go back to bed."
Missus Jimkins rubs her eyes and looks out the window. "No, Big, it really is snowing out there," she says.
Hearing that, Big Jimkins hops to his feet and sprints straight out the front door, still in his long-johns. All his neighbors are in a similar state of befuddlement and disrobement. What's weird is, it's not even that cold out. In the center of the town square, Kerf Merf is making snow angels. "Merf!" Big Jimkins shouts. "What's the meaning of this?"
Kerf Merf somersaults to his feet and gestures at the wintry scene. "Happy New Year to all, and to all a... new... year."
"New Year's Day was two days ago, ya doofus," groans the cobbler's wife.
"Yes," Merf admits, "but I mean in a relative sense it's still a new year, right?"
The farm supplier chucks a mound of manure at the sheriff. "Aw, can it. You wanna tell us what's going on here? Are you responsible for the snow?"
"Oh that's not snow," Kerf Merf says. "It's paper."
Big Jimkins cries out, "Paper?!" Sure enough, when he sticks out his tongue, his mouth fills with dry, flavorless flakes.
The sheriff waves his hands at Big Jimkins. "I wouldn't do that if I were you!"
"Why not?"
"You wouldn't want fellers to call you a cannibal, right?"
"Cannibal? What in tarnation are you getting at, you dunderhead?"
"Right, so," Kerf Merf says, trying to hold back a grin, "I finally beat Paper Mario." Everyone present mumbles a quiet congratulations. The sheriff frowns. "I, uh, expected a bigger reaction than that." Everyone mumbles their congratulations a bit louder, which seems to pacify the bounty hunter.
Big Jimkins clears his throat. "So, what, this is confetti? You're celebrating?"
"Not exactly. Those are actually Paper Mario's remains. Dorcas is running him through the shredder." Kerf waves at the rooftop of the bank, where Deputy Dorcas is pressing the one and only Paper Mario through a wood chipper that spews his morsels all over the town.
"Aw, what the deuce?!" Big Jimkins screams. He rushes to the alley and spits out the flecks still in his mouth and scrapes his tongue with his nails.
The mayor steps forward. "You're a madman, Merf! We didn't want you to kill Paper Mario, we just wanted you to play the game! You know, for fun and stuff!"
"Oh," Merf says. He makes a cutting motion across his throat in Dorcas's direction, and the orphan turns off the shredder. "Well," he continues, chewing on a thumbnail, "that's kinda awkward."
"That's the understatement of the year," says the mayor.
Kerf Merf wags a finger in front of his face. "I think it's a bit early to say that--like I said earlier, it's still a new year and all so there could still be a lot more understated understatements to be stated between now and December 31st, 2022..."
"CLEAN ALL THIS UP RIGHT NOW!" the mayor hollers.
"Yes sir," the sheriff says, running off to the tavern to get a broom and dustpan. But at the last moment before everyone returns to their homes, he pokes his head back out into the square and says, "Would now be a bad time to say, 'RIP Paper Mario'? Get it? RIP?" A bevy of empty bottles, tomatoes, and manure lumps barrage him.
I'm having too much fun with these skits... they're getting a bit out of hand... But anyway, yes, I did finally beat Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. Here's the review I wrote with my completion submission, which I'll elaborate on in a moment:
This is a really, really good game with deep combat mechanics and an excellent script, but the only thing holding it back in my eyes is the pacing. Whether you're mashing through a dialogue of a Pianta telling his wife he loves her 100 times, jumping on an NPC a dozen times to wake him up, or chasing that same NPC all over the world map, these moments of the game are stretched to the absolute limit of my patience. Especially the side quests (called "Troubles" in the game). You can only accept one Trouble at a time, so even if there are multiple in the same location, you have to return all the way to the hub to accept it before you can start it. Most of them also give pitiful rewards. Some of them are worth completing just for the self-contained side stories, but a fair number of them are just basic fetch quests.
All of this is just to say why I don't think I can call the game "great." The characters are delightful, the world is vibrant and animated, the chapters are uniquely structured, and the overarching plot turned out to be deeper and darker than I expected, but even though all these elements alone are memorable and high quality, it's the connective tissue that sometimes flagged for me. I'm sure I'll recall the game fondly and maybe bump it up to an 8 down the line, but as of now it stands behind the original Paper Mario and Super Paper Mario for me.
This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's been following my updates with the game--I really liked the game (and even loved certain parts of it) but the game does have a bad habit of wasting your time. To be fair, sometimes it's for comedic effect, but the joke is often at your expense as a player, so I wasn't always a fan. In Chapter 6 you spend most of your time running back and forth along a train. In Chapter 7 you have to run all over the world map to find an NPC, go back and forth through a snowy wasteland multiple times (since there's no direct shortcut), and when you get to the Moon, your movement speed is drastically reduced. Chapter 8 moved a lot more quickly, thankfully, but it was basically just one big dungeon anyway.
I really liked the ending, too. Mostly because of the atmosphere--everything starts to feel darker and more sinister, but the tonal shift doesn't feel completely out of place. The game prepares you for it by peppering little bits of lore and intrigue here and there that lead you to understand that something just ain't right behind the Thousand Year Door. Dread and despair build through the uncanny corridors until you finally reach the endgame boss rush, and (notwithstanding the shoehorned, out-of-place Bowser battle) it's a morbid, challenging gauntlet.
Anyway, it's been a long but rewarding journey. And though I enjoyed the game, I'm ready to move on. I've got my Pokemon playthrough coming up, and I'll probably pick another bounty to play alongside it. I missed Disco Elysium while it was still Game of the Month, but I might still dive into it (or clear something a bit shorter as a palate cleanser).
BOUNTY COMPLETE
Game: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door
Completion time: 41h 38m
Platform: Gamecube
Rating: 7/10
Bounty Points earned: 2
4 Yrs♥$✓#
Siver4 Yrs♥$✓#
Congrats on the TTYD finish! Good to see you generally enjoyed it.
I'd personally recommend a short palate cleanser before diving into Disco Elysium. It would depend on how much you do, but so far it's turning into another lengthier one for me (35 hours and still going). Of course I've seen other times in the 20 hour range so it's dependent on your play-style too. The tonal whiplash from Paper Mario to it would sure be something though 😃
12 Yrs♥$✓#
I’m probably going to start my Pokemon run within the next couple of days, so I’ll give the thread one last bump to give folks a chance to participate.
ICYMI, I’m doing a challenge run of Brilliant Diamond where I can only catch and use mons selected by user “sponsors.” Just pick a Pokemon, what location you want me to catch it from, and what you want me to nickname it.
Even if you aren’t familiar with Gen IV, I made up a spreadsheet to make it easy for anyone to see what Pokemon are available and where.
You can also vote for which starter I’ll be choosing!
As for my short “palate cleanser” bounty, I’m currently thinking Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments. A good mystery might be just the thing I need right now.
ICYMI, I’m doing a challenge run of Brilliant Diamond where I can only catch and use mons selected by user “sponsors.” Just pick a Pokemon, what location you want me to catch it from, and what you want me to nickname it.
Even if you aren’t familiar with Gen IV, I made up a spreadsheet to make it easy for anyone to see what Pokemon are available and where.
You can also vote for which starter I’ll be choosing!
As for my short “palate cleanser” bounty, I’m currently thinking Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments. A good mystery might be just the thing I need right now.
12 Yrs♥$✓#
Everyone is enjoying themselves in the town tavern when someone kicks open the swinging door. A hush falls over the crowd. The pianist stops playing his honky-tonk.
A drunken Kerf Merf stumbles over to the bar with an empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. “Fill ‘er up, please,” he says to the bartender.
“I think maybe you’ve had enough,” the bartender says.
However, Kerf Merf just pulls out his six shooter and points it under the bartender’s chin. He says, “I’ll decide when I’ve had enough.” With that, the bartender gives a nod and sets about pouring a glass for the souse.
For a time the room is quiet, until someone says, “You haven’t been back in more than a month, sheriff. What’s the news? You clear that Sherlock Holmes bounty?”
The sheriff scoffs into his drink before taking a swig.
“How’s about Pokemon?” someone else asks. “I done seen you log into it on my Nintendo Switch friend notifications.”
Kerf Merf hurls his bottle at the speaker. “That were my casual playthrough, you gobshite! I ain’t set in on the challenge run yet.” Having said this, he crosses his arms on the counter and plants his face firmly into them. “An’ maybe I never will.”
After a moment, one brave soul asks, “So what HAVE you been doing?”
The sheriff perks up his head again. “You really wanna know?”
The townsfolk nod.
“Fine,” he says, finishing off his glass and wiping his mustache. “I up and quit my job.”
Someone gasps. “You mean you ain’t our sheriff no more?”
“Nah, you bungus-head, I’m talking about my actual job. Outside the blog. The one that pays the bills. Thought I had me a real job on lock, one that’d pay me a living wage, but turns out I was gettin’ played for a fool.” He buries his face in his hands. “Now take a look at me. Unemployed. Uninsured. Roommate’s up and leavin’ me in a matter of weeks, meaning I’ve gotta shack up with my folks again. And what have I got to show for it? I thought by now I’d be well on my way toward making a career. Something meaningful, that I could be proud of. But once again I’m a big stinkin’ failure. Can’t even play some doggone video games for a dag-nabbin’ blog. Ya hafta wonder what it was all for—what kinda progress you’ve made. And what are you leaving behind but a bunch of unfinished projects and a mess of unplayed games you collect as a substitute for an actual personality? Don’t answer that. Ain’t no words a comfort right now.”
Kerf Merf turns his glass bottoms-up and crashes on the counter, unconscious.
No one’s quite sure what to say or do and that’s okay. It’s not their job to clean up his messes. Maybe he drank off all the bad feeling and he’ll forget it in the morning, or maybe he’s just a lost cause. The world will keep on turning. The Sun don’t rise and set with his eyelids. That’s just how it goes.
A drunken Kerf Merf stumbles over to the bar with an empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. “Fill ‘er up, please,” he says to the bartender.
“I think maybe you’ve had enough,” the bartender says.
However, Kerf Merf just pulls out his six shooter and points it under the bartender’s chin. He says, “I’ll decide when I’ve had enough.” With that, the bartender gives a nod and sets about pouring a glass for the souse.
For a time the room is quiet, until someone says, “You haven’t been back in more than a month, sheriff. What’s the news? You clear that Sherlock Holmes bounty?”
The sheriff scoffs into his drink before taking a swig.
“How’s about Pokemon?” someone else asks. “I done seen you log into it on my Nintendo Switch friend notifications.”
Kerf Merf hurls his bottle at the speaker. “That were my casual playthrough, you gobshite! I ain’t set in on the challenge run yet.” Having said this, he crosses his arms on the counter and plants his face firmly into them. “An’ maybe I never will.”
After a moment, one brave soul asks, “So what HAVE you been doing?”
The sheriff perks up his head again. “You really wanna know?”
The townsfolk nod.
“Fine,” he says, finishing off his glass and wiping his mustache. “I up and quit my job.”
Someone gasps. “You mean you ain’t our sheriff no more?”
“Nah, you bungus-head, I’m talking about my actual job. Outside the blog. The one that pays the bills. Thought I had me a real job on lock, one that’d pay me a living wage, but turns out I was gettin’ played for a fool.” He buries his face in his hands. “Now take a look at me. Unemployed. Uninsured. Roommate’s up and leavin’ me in a matter of weeks, meaning I’ve gotta shack up with my folks again. And what have I got to show for it? I thought by now I’d be well on my way toward making a career. Something meaningful, that I could be proud of. But once again I’m a big stinkin’ failure. Can’t even play some doggone video games for a dag-nabbin’ blog. Ya hafta wonder what it was all for—what kinda progress you’ve made. And what are you leaving behind but a bunch of unfinished projects and a mess of unplayed games you collect as a substitute for an actual personality? Don’t answer that. Ain’t no words a comfort right now.”
Kerf Merf turns his glass bottoms-up and crashes on the counter, unconscious.
No one’s quite sure what to say or do and that’s okay. It’s not their job to clean up his messes. Maybe he drank off all the bad feeling and he’ll forget it in the morning, or maybe he’s just a lost cause. The world will keep on turning. The Sun don’t rise and set with his eyelids. That’s just how it goes.
6 Yrs♥$✓#
ThomasE
6 Yrs♥$✓#
Im sorry to hear about you losing your job. I read your text in that you don't want to hear comforting words but I had to write the following. Sorry.
I had two really bad years in which I tried to change profession/job sector. I had prepared this for another 2 or so years beforehand. The fact that I then couldn't make it work and went through 2 jobs quickly, with 60h/week instead of 40 in an attempt to make shit still work out, and eventually into unemployment made me feel horrible. Those 2 years were hard and I had nothing to show for.
Last year I found a really good employment. One that's close to what I would have described some time ago as my ideal job and I probably would have added "but of course such a job doesn't exist in the real world". Obviously no job is perfect, for example I have quite a bit of Excel hell in this one, but I'm happy again with my work life.
I hope your job situation picks up again too. Even after a really shitty situation things might turn out good again.
I had two really bad years in which I tried to change profession/job sector. I had prepared this for another 2 or so years beforehand. The fact that I then couldn't make it work and went through 2 jobs quickly, with 60h/week instead of 40 in an attempt to make shit still work out, and eventually into unemployment made me feel horrible. Those 2 years were hard and I had nothing to show for.
Last year I found a really good employment. One that's close to what I would have described some time ago as my ideal job and I probably would have added "but of course such a job doesn't exist in the real world". Obviously no job is perfect, for example I have quite a bit of Excel hell in this one, but I'm happy again with my work life.
I hope your job situation picks up again too. Even after a really shitty situation things might turn out good again.
12 Yrs♥$✓#
I appreciate you offering some encouragement. I was pretty drunk that night and unfortunately I tend to be pretty dramatic when I get moody.
The last month really has been a whirlwind for me. My roommate telling me out of the blue that he was planning to move out kind of sent me in a downward spiral. I've done some impulsive things--quitting my job before I had an offer from another company in hand was one, but I also got a dog recently. I really wanted to think I was ready, but I clearly wasn't. I'm trying my best, but being responsible for a puppy who needs lots of attention when I'm moving, unemployed, and depressed... it's tough. Sometimes I think I'll pull through, and other times I succumb to the despair. Reading what you said helps, though. Even if it seems impossible, I'll try not to lose sight of my goals.
Eventually I'll get back to updating this blog for its intended purpose, once things settle down a little more.